Doesn’t My Daughter’s Life Matter?

“Why do I have to be half black?” Those and other phrases are the heartrending cries I listened to as I desperately tried to console my daughter.

My daughter is in a fight for, not only her life, but the lives of her five children. Here’s a little background.

My daughter has been very unfortunate in the partners she has chosen (haven’t we all) as they were smooth talkers that didn’t live up to what they were selling. 

She has three fathers over her five children. (Are you judging yet?) Yet, she has been the main caregiver of these five children for the past 14 years. Her youngest was born just before COVID and these children, regardless of their different fathers, are a very tight unit that love and need each other.

My daughter is a hard worker and has been a dog groomer for nearly 20 years. Unfortunately, the youngest child’s father has seen fit to interfere with her life and to dig his nose into her partner’s business. This in turn led to her being “let go” and as the grooming industry is a close-knit community, she is being shunned and cannot get a job in this city. People expect and want her to go on welfare, but that’s not the type of person she is, and she’s fought very hard not to be the statistical mixed-race woman with a lot of kids sitting on the system.

All of this is now under direct threat because the father of the youngest child refuses to work with her and continually drags her to court so that he gets his way. How did all this court business start? My daughter was fooled by this person as well, and he also brought in his own son, but neglected to tell her that he has ODD. Once they became a blended family unit, it didn’t take my daughter long to see that there were some serious issues with his son, and she strongly advised that he get help. To the point where she sought the help for him and that began. The relationship was not working out well, both with the added dynamic of an emotionally stunted son in the mix of so many other children, and he also felt threatened with his father’s attention no longer solely on him.

This led to serious incidences, with a final incident where the father had to hold down his son who threatened self harm and to harm the baby. They moved out and the threats, verbal, emotional, and mental abuse ramped up day in and day out without letup. Oh, did I mention that my daughter has dyslexia and is overwhelmed by all the verbose words?

Fast-forward to today. The first father is an alcoholic that less than three years ago threw out his children in the middle of a cold, fall night, and locked the door. Thankfully, my grandson had his cell phone and called my daughter, who ran out to rescue them as they hid in a bush. Even though this father works jobs under the table and has never paid child support, he had liberal access to seeing his children, but that stopped with this incident.

Father number two, to whom she is still married (separated for the past seven years), and he refuses to finish their court case because he doesn’t want her to have major custody (but she does). This man, when times were getting difficult at home, and even with encouragement from different sources to seek help, instead attempted to rob a bank using my daughter’s van, ran, and totaled the van. He spent time in jail, got out, and proceeded to break his probation and went back to jail. He’s been out for quite a while and gives, mostly, regular child support. Furthermore, he left with a pile of debt that has never been addressed to this day. He has generous access even though he does not have proper accommodation for his two children that are of the opposite sex, and too old to be sleeping in the same room.

Most recent father has been complaining about needing to get help for his son, doesn’t deem him to be a threat or to have a problem that could possibly hurt his daughter, so he keeps bringing his case to court. Going to court would be one thing, but he lies left and right, and no one refutes his claims.

My husband and I moved in when the latest father moved out and left her with a hefty monthly rent. We moved in to help both with the children and to help with the rent. That was almost two years ago. As you are aware, the cost of living has gone up steeply and Ottawa is very expensive to live in. The children are older and a good routine has been established, so we prepared to move back to the United States. My husband got laid off twice here, and I work from home for an American company, and getting my monies moved from U.S. to Canada has been challenging. As we are my daughter’s emergency contact, she thought finding a home where we can still be of significant help was her best bet. She found a brand spanking new home for rent in Welland, Ontario, approximately 6 hours from Ottawa. When the latest father heard the news (before we had a chance to tell him) he called the police and made an emergency motion to stop her from moving. She had just signed the lease for the new home. Over text messages, the second father had agreed that they would work it out, no worries.

But the latest father went and contacted the other two (they used to not like each other) and have banded together to stop her from moving. In all the court cases no one has listened or heard her, no one has asked to hear from her, and even when she had a lawyer they’re not being heard. This last case, the judge told him to shut up. She had to sit there while the fathers spoke and not even be acknowledged. Oh, and yes, all the fathers are “white” and yes, I’m stating that because I honestly believe that there is serious prejudice going on here. She is a single, mixed-race woman of many children and is feeling less than human. The court cases haven’t even gone by proper procedures and orders. They haven’t served papers properly, judges have visibly and verbally sided with the father, and even one judge stated they were biased and shouldn’t be judging, but did anyway. They have just issued their decree, and it doesn’t matter if she loses thousands of dollars, has no home to live in, and no place for her children to live in. Furthermore, they literally cannot live in the ghetto as they are mixed and the children very “white” in the eyes of others and not street smart. They wouldn’t last a month.

This is tragic and all I know is that her story needs to be heard, far and wide. Would you please help me get her story out there?


A very heartbroken grandmother…


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